“The Physicality of Grief: How Loss Lives in the Body”

Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths.”

– Etty Hillesum

The Physicality of Grief: Beyond the Emotional Toll

When we think of grief, we often focus on the emotional impact—sadness, anger, confusion, even numbness. But grief doesn’t just live in our minds; it inhabits our bodies too. It’s a full-body experience, often catching us off guard with physical symptoms we don’t immediately connect to loss.

A pounding heart. A tight chest. Fatigue so heavy it feels like gravity has doubled. These are not just “in your head.” They’re your body’s very real response to profound loss. 

Grief Is Physical: The Science

Grief activates the same brain regions as physical pain. A 2011 study published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that emotional pain—like social rejection—lights up the anterior cingulate cortex, the same area involved in physical pain processing. No wonder heartbreak hurts.

The physical manifestations of grief are widespread:

  •  Sleep disturbances affect up to 70% of bereaved individuals, according to a study in Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience.

  • Immune system suppression is common, leaving mourners more susceptible to illness in the first year after loss (Psychosomatic Medicine, 2012).

  • Increased risk of heart problems: The so-called “broken heart syndrome” (stress cardiomyopathy) can mimic a heart attack and is triggered by extreme stress or loss.

 A Personal Reflection:

I’ll never forget how my own grief showed up—not just in my heart, but in my body. After a traumatic loss, I was blindsided by the physical changes. An insatiable thirst settled in, as if my body couldn’t take in enough water. At the same time, my appetite vanished. Food felt foreign; even when I tried to eat, nothing appealed to me. Weight loss inevitably followed—not because I intended it, but because my body seemed to reject nourishment.

Settling into sleep wasn’t a challenge—at first. Each night, I would sink into a deep sleep almost immediately, my body surrendering completely to the heaviness of the day. But after just a few hours, I’d wake, wide-eyed and alert. Oddly, I didn’t feel fatigued. It was as if I had received just enough rest to function. From there, I moved through my days on what felt like automatic pilot—managing tasks, showing up for others—while inside, I felt both detached and hyperaware.

I’ve heard others describe the opposite: sleepless nights spent staring at the ceiling, and days filled with exhaustion so heavy it felt impossible to get out of bed. That’s the thing about grief—everyone processes it differently. Survival mode wears a different face for each of us. For some, it’s restlessness and overdrive. For others, it’s stillness and lethargy. There is no one “normal” response.

I also noticed my breathing had changed. It became shallow, as if I was only skimming the surface of each breath. Then, out of nowhere, I would gasp—taking in a large, sudden breath like someone who had been holding their breath underwater. It startled me at first, but over time I recognized it as my body’s way of reminding me: breathe.

It was during this time that I came across The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. It helped me understand that grief and trauma aren’t just emotional—they’re embodied. Left unacknowledged, they can lodge in our muscles, nervous system, and even our organs, altering how we move, breathe, and feel. My body wasn’t betraying me; it was working overtime to help me survive. And it was asking—sometimes pleading—for care and gentleness as I navigated the uncharted territory of loss.

Listening to Your Body in Grief:

Your body speaks. In grief, it often whispers through symptoms until it has to shout. Here are ways to honor it:

  •  Breathe intentionally – Practice deep, diaphragmatic breathing. Just 5 minutes a day can calm your nervous system.

  • Move gently – Yoga, stretching, or a slow walk outside can help release tension and ground you in your body.

  • Rest unapologetically – Grief is exhausting. Allow yourself naps or unstructured time without guilt.

  • Seek touch – Massage, holding a pet, or simply placing your hand over your heart can calm an overactive stress response.

  • Express the pain – Crying isn’t weakness; it’s a natural release. So is screaming into a pillow or journaling your anger.

Your Body Holds Wisdom:

Grief changes you, not only emotionally but physically. It asks you to slow down, listen inward, and treat yourself with a tenderness you might reserve for others. 

As Dr. van der Kolk writes, “Trauma is not what happens to you, but what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.” The same can be said for grief.

You don’t have to walk this path alone.

 If you’re feeling the weight of grief in your body and spirit, let’s talk. Together, we can explore ways to release some of what you’re carrying and move toward healing. Schedule a free consultation.

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“Helping Children Navigate Grief: Understanding, Supporting, and Healing”