“When Grief Doesn’t Let Go: Understanding Complicated Grief”
“The most beautiful people I have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.
These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
– Elizabeth Kubler Ross
Complicated or Prolonged Grief:
Grief, in its nature, is heavy—but for some, it lingers in a way that feels suffocating. When time passes but the pain stays just as sharp, when functioning feels impossible, or when the world moves forward and you can’t—it may not be “typical” grief. It may be Complicated Grief, also known as Prolonged Grief Disorder.
Complicated grief isn’t about grieving “too long”—it’s about being unable to integrate the loss into your life. It’s like being emotionally frozen in time.
This kind of grief often shows up when multiple losses occur close together, when the nervous system is overwhelmed, or when older, unprocessed trauma gets stirred up in the aftermath of new loss.
You may not even realize it at first.
The stories I’ve heard—and witnessed—often start with someone going through a profound loss. And then another. And then maybe a job loss, a health scare, or the unraveling of a key relationship. Sometimes it’s the accumulation of pain, one hit after another, that leaves people unable to catch their breath.
And then, slowly or suddenly, buried grief from years past begins to surface. Childhood losses, abandonment, trauma that was never addressed—it all comes forward at once, asking to be felt.
This layering of grief, combined with unresolved trauma, can create a state where the mind and body can’t make sense of how to move forward.
What Is Complicated Grief?
Complicated Grief is marked by persistent, intense grief that doesn’t ease with time. The American Psychiatric Association notes that roughly 7–10% of people who experience loss develop prolonged grief disorder.
Symptoms might include:
Ongoing disbelief about the loss
Deep emotional numbness or anger
Intense longing or yearning
Avoidance of reminders or obsessive preoccupation
Withdrawal from life and isolation
Difficulty envisioning a future
When trauma is involved—whether from sudden loss, lack of closure, or past unhealed experiences—the grieving process can be halted entirely.
What Helps?
Understand what’s happening. Complicated grief is not failure—it’s a trauma response. Naming it is powerful.
Find trauma-informed support. A grief counselor who understands trauma can help you untangle the emotional knot.
Create simple structure. Small daily actions—gentle movement, journaling, routine—begin to rebuild safety and rhythm.
Don’t isolate for too long. Connection, even in small doses, can interrupt the cycle of prolonged grief.
Be patient with your process. You’re not behind. You’re surviving. And survival deserves compassion.
A Gentle Reminder:
There is no “right” timeline for grief—but there is help when grief begins to block the light.
If you’re feeling like you’re stuck in place, emotionally worn down, or unsure if what you’re feeling is “normal,” reach out. There’s support for where you are—no matter how long you’ve been carrying the weight.
You are not broken. You are grieving. And healing is always possible.
