“Anticipatory Grief: The Quiet Sorrow Before Loss”
“And she said how can I help you to say goodbye?
It's okay to hurt and it's okay to cry
Come let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?”
– Lyrics from “How can I help you say Goodbye”
- Patty Loveless
Anticipatory grief is a deep, painful sorrow that occurs before an impending loss. It often goes unacknowledged, but nonetheless it is our minds way of protecting and preparing us. It affects those facing a loved one’s approaching death, their own mortality, or even non-death-related losses—like an impending mastectomy, divorce, or a progressive diagnosis.
Unlike conventional grief, which is reactive, anticipatory grief is largely proactive. It lingers quietly beneath the surface, influencing emotions and reactions long before the loss becomes real.
On a personal note, like many my age, I have aging parents. It is a normal passage of life to watch your parents gracefully transition into retirement and eventually become witness to a slow decline that comes with aging. In the back of your mind you are acutely aware of the what the future holds and the grieving process can very quietly be set in motion. There are moments of decline, followed by recoveries that reinforce denial of the inevitable.
And then, one day, it happens. You get The Call.
“It’s time for you to come home.”
At that moment, your personality takes over. Are you the emotive one or the logical one? Do you retreat into solitude, or do you seek comfort from others? There is no right or wrong answer—your way of grieving is uniquely yours.
In my case, I am a problem solver. My career depended on it, and over the years, I perfected the skill. In times of crisis, my logical brain shifts into autopilot, tucking emotions safely out of sight. Only when everything is taken care of does my mind allow a wave of emotions to surface. In private of course as not to disrupt the well executed order of things that took precedence. But it doesn’t come as a gentle wave—it comes as a tsunami.
Through my years of working with grieving individuals and also riding the wave myself, I have learned that everyone handles grief differently. Personality, past experiences and unresolved past wounds shape the way we grieve. This is what makes us unique.
This is the time to release judgment—of others and most certainly yourself
This is the time to offer compassion (when available) and create a safe space for each person to navigate their grief in their own way.
This is the time to heal, to relax into the process, to lean into your innate resilience, and eventually be open to growth.
This is the time for you to do you.
